I didn't post a blog last night as I ran out of internet credit and I couldn't find my wallet to get more! But I found it eventually so I am back to post a blog tonight.
Today was an irritating day at work. I go there and I have the belief that I must get along with everyone all of the time, like my work colleagues, the security guys, and anyone else working in the vicinity. So this often means I feel obliged to be a character and talk for the sake of talking so I will get along with people and no conflict arises. Yet the conflict already is existent, within me first and foremost, because I don't like being there for eight hours, having to talk all of the time from this starting point of feeling obliged to make conversation - because I know it is not really me talking, and it is something I am simply not very interested in. Nothing of what we say matters, most of the time - it's all forgotten the next day - but for some reason people feel the need to talk endlessly (boredom is probably the reason), and I often feel like I don't know how to be myself within these conversations. I'd rather be quiet, speak when it is necessary, and focus on the job and focus on breathing and being aware while I am there, and simply do what needs to be done, without engaging in pointless conversations. I don't want to spend eight hours a day lying to myself and blathering on from my mind, supporting various characters and ideas of myself. It would be so much more simple to just be silent, get on with the job, and speak when necessary in a self-directive way, like if I am greeting the customer, or asking a customer what he or she is looking for in the shop, or in communicating with other work colleagues what needs to be done. But it is tough, when I am there with just one other person for the whole day and there is not much to do - stupid pointless conversation starts up to fill in the space. For me it is draining because I know that I am not speaking from myself, I am speaking to keep things cordial and so no conflict arises, and so they are happy with me, but I get so sick of it.
So I am sitting here looking at what I can do. I ended up looking at job alternatives where you don't have to talk much and put on an act all day for people as part of the job, and I found that something like looking after people's animals would be a fun thing to do! But I have to face this point. The reality is that I am going to be around people all of my life - as much as I would like to simply focus on applying myself and educating myself about the world, and being fine with not talking that much, that is probably not very realistic. So I have to learn how to be myself with people as well as when alone, being myself meaning talking from here in the physical instead of automatically from the mind as character/personality. Because from speaking and interacting constantly and continuously as character/personality, this is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be, and I am accepting and allowing this to be who I am, further cementing it with every word that is spoken from this starting point. It is difficult to find the time to really slow down and work on establishing who I am as life, before having to go out there again and facing the same situations, the same conversations, the same people and social situations, again and again. If I have to do things like this because of necessity - the needing to work and be in situations like this just to be able to make a living, the questions I am asking myself now are: How do I be myself with people when talking, instead of reverting to character? How do I avoid participating in conversations and small talk that I don't see is beneficial to participate within? How do I state that I don't want to participate in small talk without creating conflict, reactions and backchat within the other person, thus causing problems in the workplace?
I want to thank Gian too for his recent blogs as he's touched on some points I am looking at, like the soft and kind character that is afraid of causing conflict:
http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-295-charming-character-on-job-p1.html
http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-296-to-soft-to-kind-for-job-p2.html
http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-298-to-soft-to-kind-for-job.html
I will continue with self-forgiveness tomorrow.
Source: http://anaustraliansjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-61-writing-fear-of-conflict.html
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